It takes a village! Oh, how true that phrase is, isn’t it? But, I truly can’t complain (not too much I guess) because God has truly blessed me. If I could summarize my life as a mom in one word it would probably be chaotic. Whether it’s with my own personal life or with Leya or in my relationship. I find myself saying there’s always something. But you know what I realized, there will always be something, it’s just different stages of life.
When I found out I was pregnant, I prayed for a boy so badly. And when I found out it was a girl, I cried like a helpless baby. I remember sitting in the doctors office wheeping, telling Byron how being a woman is so hard. How we, as women, are faced with all kinds of emotions because of hormonoes, how we have our hearts broken, and for some strange still political reason we seem to have to work twice as hard to make it for the simple reason we are women.
It was at that doctors office that day, I told myself that I was going to do everything I could to raise a strong, determined, and caring girl. Have I succeeded? Well, she is only 4 so we have a ways to go, but I would say so far I have done the best I could and we still have plenty of road to go.
A little background: I grew up in a relatively loving home. My dad worked three jobs at the time to meet ends needs, my mom worked as well, and I was left a home the majority of my days with a nanny. Shocker, I know. Not so common for Mexican middle class people to have a nanny but, I let m tell you I was lucky. She has loved me like a mother and I am forever grateful.
What I learned from my mother: take no shit. My mom is a relatively tiny woman who out of 11 male brothers they all fear her. She was loving, but incredibly strict. I don’t know if it was because I was an only child and a woman but she was hard on me. She pushed me, sometimes a little too far to where I told myself I would never be that way with my own daughter. There were many many times that even though I prayed for a boy, I would tell myself that if I had a daughter I would be different, I would be extremely loving, understanding, supportive. Looking back at it now, I think that perhaps she did everything out of love and to build me to the woman I am today.
What I’ve learned about being a mother: pure and honest love is real. I have never felt love the way I feel it for Leya. When I hold her close or she puts her tiny hands on my face I feel bliss. I feel peace, love, I feel full. Does she drive me crazy? Abso-freakin-lutely. I have learned patience is a virtue but it doesn’t make a bad mother if don’t have it some days, it just makes me human. I learned that in her I have a friend, as odd as it may sound given that she’s 4. She is so incredibly smart that I just can’t wrap my head around it. I have learned that there is no one way to parent, you will switch things up over and over and the only thing left to do is adapt. I learned that it will continue to be an emotional rollercoaster, for her and me but as long as we have each other everything will be ok.
What needs work: me. The other day, we left work late and rushed down to pick her up from my parents house. It was around 7ish and all I could think of was what I was going to make for dinner at almost 8 pm and how we still needed to give her a bath. As soon as we get home, I cut the water on so we could shower together and just kill two birds with one stone (sorry if you think this is weird lol but I birthed this child remember?) as we’re in there the water starts tuning cold because our apartment complex only had one water heater- insert rolling eyes here. Of course, she’s trying to play and I yell at her. “This is not play time, can’t you feel the water is getting cold?!” I manage to rinse her off and Byron takes her to dry her off and put her clothes on.
She said the saddest words I have ever heard in my 4 years of being a mother. She told her dad, she was sad because I am always too busy to play with her. I wanted to die. No exaggeration. I realized that day that I’m still stumbling, I’ms till trying to figure this entire thing out. This working full time, trying to have a blog/build a brand side hustle, being a mom and partner. I apolgized to her because that’s all I could do and promised thaat I would do my best to be more present and involved. I did beat myself up for it, I think I still kind of am, but I have been praying to God that I can manage al of this. That he walks beside me to make the right choices, to fill my heart with patience, and the strength to keep going and just do the best I can. Yes, it truly takes a village but even after the long days at work, the crap going on in the world I can always find comfort in my sweet girl and it will forever be the greatest blessign I have been given.
Mama, if you’re reading this… you are truly remarkable. Keep going, we got this!
Till’ the next post!