Hey friends! I’ve been in such a rut since my brother passed. His death brought massive heart break and guilt. I keep dwelling on the idea that he could perhaps still been alive if I would of just a little more. If I could of picked up more calls or texted back sooner, or physically went over to see him more. All these what if’s kept creeping up on me almost every day. Then, things really started spiraling… and I started to think about my life as a whole. Excluding my brother’s death, I started to think of all the choices I’ve made in my life and the consequences they have brought- whether they were good or bad, but the darkness inside really was focused on consuming me, so all the focus went to all the bad decisions and choices I had made.
I wouldn’t talk about it much but I would randomly cry through out the day, in my car, or at dinner. It was just filled with all these “what if’s” and I couldn’t shake them off. It wasn’t until two weekends ago, I was having wine with my dad and I just poured everything out to him. My dad and I have always been really close and had really deep conversations. He actually told me a personal story of his and how he felt exactly like I did now. He felt the same guilt and wonder consuming him and he said to me, “You will never be able to go back in time, no matter how much you cry or dwell on this. You don’t have the control of yesterday, you only have today, tomorrow and consciousness.” I thought the last part he said was very interesting because I think as humans we have this tendency to want to be in control. At least I do. I’ve learned that about myself recently. I have to be in control and know what and when things are happening or else I freak out. I get anxious and spiral downward. I didn’t take his advice as just go with the flow but more so of, really stop and think but also slow down a bit.
Here’s my first tip/suggestion: show people you care and value them. Building a tomorrow surrounded with those you love and care for, is something I always want to be a part of. So I’ve been trying to be more involved with people I care for; my other two brothers, my parents, my family, my friends. I text them more often and check in, ask them about their day and not just when things go wrong.
Number two: stop, think, analyze. Now that I’m older I think I might actually over analyze everything but it’s so easy to act out of impulse. This one is definitely hard for me because in a moment of anger I never stop, think and analyze. Instead I’ve probably said something I didn’t mean or done something I may regret an hour later. This is definitely something I would tell my younger self and really try to embed in my brain. It’s something that I think we are never to young or mature for.
Lastly, and perhaps my favorite, therapy. Therapy is that big reset button for me. It’s a safe zone, place to go and be heard and get unbiased advice. Not saying my friends don’t give great advice but I think we all can get a little biased at times even if it’s not intentional. Therapy is trial and error at times, but when you find your person, let me tell you it will rock your world!
Super easy right? No, not at all. I’m 27 years old and I’m still learning and work in progress as I feel most of us are but, at some point in our lives we have to ask ourselves those hard questions; What is hurting me? Why is this hurting so much? What can or can’t do to fix this? How do I move forward? Sometimes the answers are not easy but I guarantee the outcome will be if you just try.
Till’ the next post!